So to begin, first and foremost - no I'm not going to thank God for allowing me
to become assistant sports editor because that would just be simply clichéd and foolish.
However, I will bust out the second most popular cliché and thank my mother, so you're gonna have to deal with it. No, but seriously, I probably would've never found my way down to the Collegian if it wasn't for the constant pushing of both my parents. I enjoyed coasting through my first 2.5 years of college going to class and going out more often that I should have as well. I still indulge in the latter too much but feel that I've been able (deal with the "able" Meloni) to make my college experience more well-rounded. and I have to credit my parents for that.
When I first came down here, I was pretty awful - flat out. The fact that I didn't actually interview tennis coach Judy Dixon in person before the season ended - yea…as Charles Barkley would say, "That ain't any goooooodddd."
But after that I progressed. I improved my writing during field hockey, although I still believe the sport needs some rules changes. For example, why can't you use both sides of the stick? If that was possible Cher King might've been on a SportsCenter Top 10 by now. That's right Media Relations, start pushing for that rule change, making the Top 10 on SportsCenter would give you front page website material for at least six months.
Then it was on to women's basketball. Marnie Dacko, congratulations on being the first coach I interviewed that was taller than me. One thing I must say is that covering the team was my most enjoyable experience at the Collegian. I'm still up in the air if I was going to pursue journalism after college, but if I ever were to cover a sport, there's not a single doubt in my mind that I'd want it to be basketball.
Finally it was on to baseball. I came in under the impression that Mike Stone was the reincarnation of the Antichrist but I didn't end up having any problems.
Also, I've got to thank Dave Gunn for dealing with me for all three sports. I'm pretty sure I woke up one day to watch the Sox play at 5 a.m. in Japan and called Dave at about seven without thinking to inquire about practice times. Dave, I'll make sure I tell the next person who corresponds with the sport you're working not to do that.
Now it's on to these fellow clowns I work with.
Eli (don't feel proud and start puffing your chest out or anything, you're just the easiest to write stream of consciousness about and that's why you're first).
So remember in "8 Mile" when Eminem shows up in the championship round to see who's the biggest G in all of Detroit (screw the Pistons Eminem, you know where to find me...o yea, you suck too Kid Rock)? So then Eminem busts out the battle wrap basically saying everything the dude had planned to rap about him? Yea I'm doing the same thing to you.
So Eli will write something to this extent: Different victory kkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiddddddddddddddddddddddd (try tracking that to one line, I dare ya…even 55's won't suffice).
Then he'll probably proceed with something that he considers profound. Possibly his lame joke that I have a Paul Pierce fathead in every room in my apartment. For everyone's knowledge, I do have a Pierce fathead but only in my living room. Maybe if I had more money I could shut down Eli's whack joke but I'm lacking such funds. I'll take donations if anyone has money lying around.
O yea Eli, when I'm writing touching stories about Pierce saving an entire litter of kittens from a 200 foot Redwood tree just outside of Inglewood, yea, we'll see who gets the last laugh then.
Finally, he may finalize his comments about yours truly by discussing what a great writer he is and how I'll never be able to match his beeeeaaaassssttttt leeeeddddeeeessss. All right, I'll admit it, my ledes aren't as good but that's all I'm giving you credit for
P.S. My dad says to relay the message that Rondo owns CP3.
P.P.S. Good luck as sports editor next year, there's a good chance you're gonna need it. The Chicago Bulls of four or five years ago are going to look like a team of wily veterans compared to who your prospective staff is but if anyone can do it…well finishing that sentence might ruin my bad boy image but you get the point.
Meloni - When I first came to the Collegian I thought you were a huge asshole. I was sitting there wondering, "Who is this portly kid with flaming red hair who's possibly one of three people I know who's skin complexion is milkier than mine. Plus, he seems to be more adamant in his opinions than Screamin' Stephen A. himself."
But now I've come to accept that only some people think you're a huge asshole. However, I'm still trying to figure out how you have an Italian last name. I'm gonna go out on a limb and say that you and Scalabrine are long lost brothers. Check into that, maybe he can hook you up with some of the $15 million that he's currently being paid (Tim Thomas was doing a better job earning his money at the end of his Bulls career).
Now I know that I'm gonna get some type of different victory comment from Meloni as well, but was there anyone more in love with the teams they covered this year than Joe Meloni? Sam Koch - loved him, soccer team - what a great bunch of guys, Don Cahoon - definitely has a shrine of him in the corner of his room, Greg Cannella - trying to compare his hair to Mel Kiper's. You get the point.
But good luck next year as the managing editor. There's a good chance that a coup may occur, as you'll obviously be ruling the newsroom with an iron fist, a la Stalin, but I'd say you'll be okay as long as you protect yourself behind Eli. His miniscule frame can be deceiving, but I've even saw him bench press the 45 pound bar before. True story.
Jeremy - I'm gonna have to begin by saying I don't know you near as well as Eli or Meloni but I've had a good time working with you regardless.
One thing I do look forward to is drinking with you at the end of the year party. I've been training my liver hard for four years so you better be ready.
"You want the noise brought on you? 'Cause here it comes." (obvious overused Wedding Crashers quote but its 6:30 and the Celtics start in an hour-and-a-half. Screw them for forgetting how to win on the road but that's for a different day).
King - It's too bad we can't go to EuroCup cause it would've been flat out nasty. Taunting Marco Materazzi and having Zidane emerge from the stands to clothesline that whiny P.O.S. would've pretty much made my life complete, sad as that may be.
I'm sure you'll have success as editor-in-chief next year but I can't wait to see when the Club for the Preservation of Rock Salt storms into the office demanding that you run a 2,000 word feature on how they're important amongst RSO's at UMass. You'll probably get as red as Meloni's hair but I expect big things. I recommend coming up with a rolodex of excuses. Yea, I stole it from Seinfeld but you can't go wrong with that, right?
Brinch - Sorry I'm graduating and won't be able to pick you up big boy sodas anymore. Giving Games a week advance notice won't be that bad, right?
But Brinch I honestly must say that I've never seen an underclassmen come into the Collegian and act like they own it so fast. I definitely enjoyed it for the most part but was waiting at one point for Meloni to bust out his Julie the Cat like reflexes and throw you all the way across to the Arts desk.
Orioles suck.
In conclusion, I do appreciate that you were one person I could hold a normal conversation with. Can't say that was the case with everyone here.
Games - I enjoyed covering basketball with you even though you're under the impression that you invented the game yourself. I also liked you as web editor. Due to laziness, I never had to save too many pictures. You're the best buddy.
But back to basketball, here's an example of a Steve Games quote.
Me: "That was a nice entry pass."
Games: "Well it was more of a nice seal than anything."
Yes ladies and gentlemen, it was comments like these that I was subject to during my half season with Coach Steve as my partner.
Although it couldn't rival Dom's question to Kate Mills:
"So how does it feel to be in the hot zone in both points and rebounds?"
I love ya Dom but that was one of the most hilarious questions I've ever heard anyone ask in an interview before.
McGrail - You're probably figuring out how to viciously haze freshman and not reading this right now but you were definitely the most easygoing beat partner I worked with in my year-and-a-half Collegian career.
I gotta say I enjoyed working with you, with a couple verbal highlights coming to mind immediately.
Players in the middle of answering a question before McGrail jumps in: "Oh that's a great quote, I'm definitely using that!"
Justine Sowry comments that she likes his pink shirt: "I really feel like I'm one of the few people who can pull it off."
Good stuff.
Fleming - I'M … NEVER … SMOKING … MENTHOLS … ON … CLUB …SIDEWALK … AGAIN …SERIOUSLY … NEVER … AGAIN.
Congrats buddy we've hung out once and I don't think I've ever made such a fool of myself on the ole' sidewalk. I looked like Trevor Berbick after he got KO'ed by Tyson back in the day (I'm sorry, I'm sure no one understood that reference).
Two more things:
1. unsung (adj.)- not celebrated or praised
*perfect for Masha, who happens to have the doubles record at UMass…and is one win from tying the UMass singles record…and was a team captain who was expected to lead on and off the court…let me know if I missed anything, will ya?
2. The Massachusetts tennis team really flew onto the court Friday with a vengeance. The UMass fans were really scheduled to a treat. Maybe not anything quite as special as say, ice cream, but nonetheless this was goddamn riveting stuff.
Melissa - We were at first skeptical or hiring you, obviously because you're a girl. No, just kidding. I apologize for trying to "teach" you guys how to work on the computer before discovering text wrap at the same exact time. I don't know you that well and don't have too much to say but good luck next year and hopefully you guys will be ready to take over the sports section once Eli graduates in the fall.
Larnard - Love the fact that you managed to piss off crew aficionados (big word) all over the world in like your fifth article with the paper. But seriously, that was great experience for future bigger, more important sports that people actually care about.
Gillmeister - If you ever ask me for a one way ride to New Hampshire again I may have to go Wayne Brady on you. I don't live in New Hampshire, therefore it would be a two-way trip for me. I think you and Fleming need to touch up on the dictionary together.
Miller - Please never ask me to buy you a six pack on a Saturday afternoon again. Similar to last time, I probably won't do it. GO CUBS!
Sam - I'm guessing that you're listening to Dr. Dre 2001 right now. Just a hunch.
Nick - I was genuinely impressed with your interview, especially considering that you were talking to complete strangers. Keep up the good work.
Feldman - Last but not least in the sports section. It was good working with you on field hockey. Listening to you ask questions, I felt like you knew a lot more about the sport than I did. Actually, I'm pretty sure you had no idea what the hell you were talking about but I commend you for acting like you downloaded the NCAA rulebook and just watched the history of the game on an HBO special or something.
Lastly, I'd like to thank various others at the Collegian. Katie Huston and Meg Murphy were helpful in the newsroom and Chris Martin and Mike Sarkes made things a lot easier in graphics when I was ready to put my fist through one of the computer monitors.
Well, now it's off to the real world (that's if you consider going back to the same moving company for the fourth straight summer the real world). I pretty much have no clue or idea of what I want to pursue but hey, Sam Adams, Boston Celtics? GIMME A CALL.
Be the first to comment on this article!