Bob Barker might be a robot, but he is definitely nuts. He has to be. Imagine the abuse: 30 years of orally-fixated assault from overweight housewives whose only meaning in life comes from spinning the giant wheel. Did he love it? I couldn't imagine so. He had to do it for a reason, a cause. The cause he reaffirmed day after monotonous day: "Help control the pet population. Get your pets spayed or neutered today!"
There are the facts: Anywhere between 10-20 million unwanted dogs in the world today. 50,000 pets are born each day. In six years, a bitch (c'mon people, in the dog sense) and her offspring can be the source of 67,000 puppies. But, I'm not going to give you the "facts".
No "facts" are needed to understand the inevitable consequence for all this reckless pet sex: world take over.
It all starts with a bad decision.
Your neighbor tells you about "Claude the Destroyer," a brutish, womanizing pit bull that lives on a nearby street. He says Claude has been known to jump on anything with four legs and good scent of urine and it looks like your pooch Dottie is certainly in his inseminating aim. But, you've been waiting to get ol' Dottie spayed, haven't you? Your girlfriend always thought it would be cute to have puppies. Cute.
Your girlfriend, who's obviously not ready for motherhood, starts to cross the days off the "My sweet puppy" novelty calendar she bought from Wal-Mart. Then, one day you come home from work and guess who's slimy dog uterus is all over your new couch? Dottie's. She's popped out 6 mutant mutts who are now pissing and puking all over your apartment. Cute, right?
You have to get rid of these things.
Your dumb girlfriend tells you to put up flyers, but the every telephone on the street is covered with the same freaking poster: "Free puppies! Free kittens! Free turtle babies! Free ferrets!"
The pets are multiplying. What are you going to do now?
You'll wait a few weeks. You may drive around on a Sunday desperately trying to give the mutant offspring away, but nobody wants Claude the Destroyer's bastard puppies. Your girlfriend is on your case because she found a dog turd in one her stilettos. That's when redemption comes in the form of a phone call from an interested pet owner.
Over the phone he sounds like Ace Ventura running an underground petting zoo. But, who cares, right? He's coming tomorrow to take the mutant puppies out of your life. The End.
Or, is it?
Six years go by. Remember that stat? I didn't just make it up. The once peaceful neighborhood has turned into a Disney movie on crack. "All Dogs Go to Heaven," my ass. This is Hell.
The pets have taken over. But, they aren't just pets anymore - more like zombies - the descendents of Claude and Dottie's little mishap. They're everywhere - cats, dogs, turtles, marmots, bears. Each day you wear a bionic suit to defend from rabies. You've mounted a plow on your car just to get to and from work. New breeds are beginning to arise like the fabled two-headed "CatDog" (yeah, it's possible). Pet sex has given rise to the new apocalypse, and it's all because of your dumb girlfriend's obsession with cute little puppies.
The worst news of all comes over the radio. The once immortal Bob Barker has died at 130 years of age. The former game show host and animal rights activist suffered a fatal attack by a flying cat. The creature latched on to Barker's neck, severing his jugular vein. He bled to death, cold and alone.
This is a sad and terribly ironic day, especially when you consider that Bob Barker mindless advice could have saved the human race from its perilous doom.
And to think you just thought he was a crazy old man … shame on you.
So, before that day of judgment arrives, do the world a favor. Help control the pet population. Get your pets spayed or neutered today.
Dustin Devlin is the producer of UMass Yak Back! on UVC-TV 19.
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