EDITOR'S NOTE: This column has been abridged to fit the space of the newsprint. You can read the full column, along with Owen's other works, on his blog (oshowblog.blogspot.com).
"Facebook Creep" has become a term that is recognizable to anyone unfortuante enough to live in the Facebook era. While I too have an account, and have been known to creep from time to time, I have noticed that certain people have gone above and beyond the call of creepiness.
I have categorized them into groups, in an attempt to not only expose them for what they are, but to warn other members of the Facebook community to consider these descriptions when thinking of their friends; chances are you know at least one of them.
The Photo Creep: You have over 1,000 photos. As if that isn't creepy enough, you have to be that kid at the party with the camera. This creep (which usually is a girl - but is creepier when it's a guy) takes it upon themselves to document every single night, week or weekend for your specific group of friends. No one else takes pictures because we all know that no matter how stupid the situation is, you're going to force it into some kind of a photo op. You title your photo albums after lyrics to popular songs like "This is why we're hot" or "Fergalicious," even though the songs themselves have no relevance to the pictures found within.
The Wall Creep: It is understandable when you receive a random message from a random friend and see that it was sent at 3 a.m. A lot of stupid things seem wall post-able at 3 a.m. on a Saturday. However, this creep chooses instead to post at a time when they can assure you that not only are they completely sober, but thinking about you. Often times this creep will approach you at parties and come up with some kind of stupid inside joke like yelling "Shiver Me Timbers!" like a pirate. Then, when you wake up hung over in the morning and sign on to see what's good with the book- they have already posted "YARRR SHIVER ME TIMBERS" on your wall by 8 a.m.
The "I haven't seen you since grade school" Creep: I completely forgot you were alive. I had finally forgotten your name, face, and how I knew you, until you friended me last week. I haven't seen or heard from you since we did the Christmas pageant at church in the third grade - but your convinced we are still close enough to be friends on the book. If I reject your friend request I run the risk of hurting your feelings (which at this point I don't really care about), and if I accept God knows how long you will creep on me through the internet.
The Poke Creep: You poke people like it isn't creepy. Well it is. Stop.
The "I quit facebook but still creep" Creep: Whether it was a rough breakup, the surfacing of compromising photos, graduation, or you just couldn't take being on facebook anymore - you decided to call it quits. You deleted your wall, you removed all of your photos and you even removed all information except where you're from and what your name is. However, you continue to creep. You are the creepiest of the creeps because your lack of participation on Facebook makes you hard to track. You can creep without detection - and without worrying about covering your tracks.
The Photo Comment Creep: You comment on photos that you aren't even in. You didn't go to the party - and chances are you don't even go to that school, but just in case everyone doesn't know that you saw the picture...you throw a comment underneath it like "Lol" or "Sexxxyy" just to remind whoever posted the photo album you still creep on them.
The Boyfriend/Girlfriend "I want to know your password" creep: You demand that you know the password to your boyfriend or girlfriends account. That's super creepy.
The Event creep: You invite every single one of your friends (even if they go to USC) to a party at your house called "Big Party." You have invited 250 people, but only 3 have RSVP'd- two are your roommates and one is you. No one wants to go to your stupid parties because they are lame. However, no one really wants to hurt your feelings, so we all click "Maybe I'll show up," knowing damn well we won't.
The "my Facebook picture isn't me" creep: Whether your picture is Tupac, Giselle from Victoria's Secret, or some fat naked guy with a mullet, you should probably just have a picture of yourself. No one really thinks its funny - we all just assume that it means you have no good pictures of yourself. You don't really creep anyone out...because you're just trying to be funny. But it isn't.
The "Hey I got your screen name from Facebook" creep: Stop trying to get our relationship from weird casual acquaintance to someone you can talk to on a regular basis. You didn't have my screen name for a reason. I only accepted your message request because I couldn't tell who it was by looking at your purposely vague screen name. It's people like you that are ruining it for everyone. And now you can look at my away message and find out where I am. Creep.
Owen Boss is a UMass student. He can be reached at oboss@student.umass.edu.
