Raise your hand if you drove either to or from the Boston area for Thanksgiving weekend (or both).
Now slowly lower your hand and try not to feel too silly about the fact that you raised your hand because some newspaper columnist told you to.
I was debating what controversial topic to cover this week, but then I went through the torture of the Mass. Pike - twice - and I decided it would be much more fun to rag on how people drive than spend column inches analyzing tax structures, exploring economic bailout plans or presenting my plan for UMass to hire locally grown mimes to give directions on campus instead of spending $500,000 on new signs.
After a long debate, I couldn't get myself to change my mind. Besides, if you can't make fun of the way New Yorkists and Conneticuttians drive, then what good is it to have your own column?
Quick quiz: What do you do when you are in the passing lane and someone drives up behind you and blinks their lights at you?
Do you: A) Move to the right to let them pass at the first opportunity; B) Keep going the same speed while thinking what jerks Bay Staters are; C) Slow down so that they can get a better look at your neato collection of bumper stickers; or D) Do option "B" for 30 minutes and THEN do option "C" for another hour.
If you chose anything but "A" you deserve to have the flesh repeatedly flayed from your bones for all eternity on the lowest level of Hades - or be forced to watch your UMail inbox fill up with messages from UMass spokesman Ed Blaguszewski until it precludes you from getting important announcements from your department coordinator or to have to actually pronounce the name "Blaguszewski," whichever is the most torturous. (My apologies Ed, but the truth had to come out.)
Admit it. It's you. Yes, you - the one reading this newspaper in The Hatch, Blue Wall, library, Learning Commons, Berkshire, Franklin, Worcester or Hampshire dining commons and who drives the Hyundai, Kia, Toyota, Ford, Subaru, Chrysler, Honda, Lamborghini, sport utility vehicle, wagon or scooter.
You're the one who sits in the left lane and says to yourself: "I'm going 5 mph over the speed limit, so I deserve to be in the 'fast' lane."
Well, guess what - you don't.
If people keep coming up behind you, hanging on your bumper for a few miles and then passing you on the right as soon as they can - you are part of the problem.
So do us all a favor and get your butt over to the right lane. You know what your clue is? If they salute you with one finger, it's not really a compliment.
But it's not just the Conneticutters, New Yorkians and the extraterrestrials (Vermonters) that cause problems. I reserve a special hell just for Massachumpians who wouldn't use their cruise control if Obama appeared to them in a beatific vision and assured them that every time they did Dick Cheney gets a painful electric shock.
If I am not mistaken (and for the purposes of this exercise you should assume that I am not), the speed limit on the Mass. Pike is 65 mph - not 65 in the flats, 70 going downhill and 55 going uphill.
Oh, and just to make sure that there is some educational value to this rant -that stick on the left hand side of the steering wheel does have a purpose (or if you drive a car made by General Motors, about 30 different purposes).
If you push it up, lights on the outside of your vehicle will indicate to everyone around you that you intend to move to the right and if you push the stick down the lights will announce that you plan to go to the left. As a bonus, you will get to see a pretty arrow on the dashboard blink on and off and get to hear a pleasant clicking or dinging sound. Won't that be fun?
I must admit that I owe some of you an apology. If you are one of the drivers that angered me so much over the past few days that I made it a point to get in front of you and then slow down until you were forced to move to the right, then I am sorry you were so annoying that I was forced to shame you in front of all the other drivers.
Who am I kidding? The other drivers loved seeing me embarrass you and I am sure I will be receiving many thankful e-mails in the coming days. I can't wait to bask in the well-deserved gratitude they will no doubt express and I can only hope that I will have enough time to give them all the driving lessons they will ask me for.
I just need to get my tongue out of my cheek before I teach my first "Drive Like Your Life Depends On It - Because It Does" class.
Ben Rudnick is a Collegian columnist. He can be reached at brudnick@student.umass.edu.
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