"I will take you as you are/please accept me as I am..." Badly Drawn Boy
I bought chicken at Stop and Shop the other day and I feel awful about it. Apparently, the chicken wasn't free range, and the employees who killed it weren't unionized. This was brought to my attention by diligent protestors protecting the rights of chickens everywhere.
I wore a sweatshirt from Wal-Mart the other day and I feel awful about it. Apparently, I am not supposed to wear a cheap and affordable sweatshirt made by sweatshop labor. This was brought to my attention by diligent protestors protecting the rights of children everywhere.
I made a joke about women the other day and I feel awful about it. Apparently, it supposedly went "Why can't Helen Keller drive? Because she's a woman." This was brought to my attention by diligent protestors protecting the rights of women everywhere.
I voted for Al Gore the other day and I feel awful about it. Apparently, I was supposed to vote for Ralph Nader because he cares about the common man far more than corporate candidates like Gore do. This was brought to my attention by diligent protestors protecting the rights of Green Party candidates everywhere.
I didn't listen to WMUA the other day and I feel awful about it. Apparently, I am supposed to listen to WMUA because it offers me a wide diversity of music that I can't hear on corporate radio stations. This was brought to my attention by diligent protestors protecting the rights of student-radio stations everywhere.
I watched wrestling the other day and I feel awful about it. Apparently, I am not supposed to enjoy masochistic displays that offend the local community. This was brought to my attention by diligent protestors protecting the rights of non-wrestling fans everywhere.
I accidentally said that I supported Maine's Angus King and Minnesota's Jesse Venture, the only independent governors in the United States, and I feel awful about it. Apparently, I am not supposed to support independent candidates who aren't aligned with the Green Party. This was brought to my attention by diligent protestors protecting the rights of the Green Party to be the only acceptable third-party everywhere.
I didn't mourn the death of Layne Staley the other day and I feel awful about it. Apparently, I am supposed to believe that Staley's was a victim of heroin, and not an individual who threw his life away because he refused to throw away the drug. This was brought to my attention by diligent protestors protecting the rights of heroin victims everywhere.
I drank a Pabst Blue Ribbon the other day and I feel awful about. Apparently, I am obligated to drink small micro-brews for $4.50 a bottle without regard for what I genuinely want. This was brought to my attention by diligent protestors protecting the rights of small breweries everywhere.
I shopped at Old Navy the other day and I feel awful about it. Apparently, I am supposed to shop at the stores in Amherst, even if I can't afford a single pair of shorts at any of them. This was brought to my attention by diligent protestors protecting the rights of local businesses everywhere.
I wondered aloud the other day how schools costing students upwards of $30,000 per year could possibly be considered liberal and I feel awful about it. Apparently, despite the fact that most people can't afford such exorbitant annual fees, I am supposed to ignore the tuition and just know that they are liberal. This was brought to my attention by diligent protestors protecting the rights of Amherst, Mt. Holyoke, Smith and Hampshire College students everywhere.
I thought to myself the other day that Volvo drivers with "Buy Locally Grown" bumper stickers are total hypocrites and I feel awful about it. Apparently, I am supposed to ignore an inconsistency like this because they want me to buy locally grown. This was brought to my attention by diligent protestors protecting the rights of hypocrites everywhere.
I got angry when I heard another aging feminist condescending to her college-aged sisters and I feel awful about it. Apparently, I am supposed to ignore this frequent condescension because youthful women today just "don't know how it used to be and they owe us." This was brought to my attention by diligent protestors protecting the rights of aging, humorless feminists everywhere.
I did a lot of things today and I feel awful about them. Apparently, I am a mindless drone who will only find freedom in modeling myself exactly after the local liberal community. This was brought to my attention by diligent protestors protecting the rights of individuals who don't realize that their indoctrinations are no better than anybody else's.
Sam Wilkinson is a Collegian Columnist.
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