But seriously, upon a closer look at Obama’s boost to the economy, it is surprising what you find.
Speaking of the sex industry, it turns out the porn industry finally got the bailout that porn magnates like “Hustler” publisher Larry Flynt and “Girl’s Gone Wild” CEO Joe Francis have been lobbying in
An aide for a top House Republican said that the moral hazard was thrown out the window for the porn industry.
”If Playboy and Hustler can fail,” he said. “What does that say about the future of Girls Gone Wild?”
There was actually some opposition, though quite mild, from the Democrats on the grounds that entities such as “Girls Gone Wild” export their labor and videotaping to poor countries such as
In the end, though, Obama won. As a spokesman for the president said, “With the failing economy, thousands have been forced out of work, especially former Wall Streeters. They need another way to entertain themselves; we’ve chosen to think of the porn bailout as an alternative antidepressant.”
In another part of the stimulus package, the Obama administration responded to reports that thousands of Mexican illegal immigrants were fleeing the
Asked about the unexpected change in ideology by most Democrats on the construction of a fence across the entire border, a prominent California Democrat responded, “We just won an election on the backs of millions of Mexican voters, what makes you think we can let them escape back to
The infusion of cash is expected to guarantee the construction of a massive fence along the border as well as a variety of state-of-the-art computer technology. Both will assuredly clamp down on illegal border crossings.
Republicans, however, were outraged that public money would be spent on such a venture. One Republican allowed that this venture would definitely create jobs, but he wondered aloud at what cost this would be to the image of
There are other peculiar expenditures in Obama’s stimulus package. Interestingly, the package contains a shout out to the
The president noted that the usefulness of the soy sauce concoction in preventing the sticking of snow and formation of ice on the streets of
“Any UMass student knows well the smell of the mysterious substance that coats sidewalks and streets of
While the research grant is bound to bring jobs to
An employee of the UMass physical plant retorted that the president’s signaling out of UMass’s soy sauce system saying, “The president thinks it works, does he? Well clearly he has not driven around the UMass campus.”
With the campus roads notorious for their roughness and potholes, the UMass representative continued, “What do you think is to blame for all the horrible roads? You think it was years of neglect or the bickering government or the lack of funding? You’re crazy. It was the soy sauce all along.”
Nick Milano is a Collegian columnist. He can be reached at nmilano@student.umass.edu.
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