Thanks to countless television ads in which sedated geeks float across Earth’s greenest pastures, we’re way too familiar with today’s prescription drugs. From Lipitor (for high cholesterol) to Ambien (for sleeplessness) to Wellbutrin (for Seasonal Affective Disorder), we know there’s a pill for pretty much everything.
With that being said, today’s column space has been purchased by Collegix, a pill that increases your test-taking skills while making awkward walks of shame a lot easier to tolerate.
(Does it really work? Of course not, but remember, pharmaceutical companies have millions of people buying pills “if diet and exercise fail.” It was only a matter of time before Pfizer designed a pill specifically for college kids.)
Like other placebos, Collegix must now supply potential users with a list of side effects longer than Fyodor Dostoyevsky’s “The Brothers Karamazov.” Here is the official warning:
Collegix may cause back pain, occasional neck stiffness, muscle cramps, mild to severe stomachaches, and incontinence. You may become nervous, constantly referring to yourself (in addition to others) as being “more nervous than a long-tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs.”
Your thoughts may become darker than Tim Burton reading Edgar Allan Poe in the corner of an opium den. You may wish to hold your girlfriend or boyfriend close and gently whisper lyrics to “Earth Angel” into his or her ear. You may feel obligated to bash Bill Bennett in the kneecaps with a billy club.
You should not attempt to walk across
While discussing politics, you may find yourself accusing friends (particularly likeminded individuals) of being a “despicable turncoat.”
Your existence may feel like it’s being rotoscoped for a Richard Linklater film. Men may feel an urge to attract Amherst Cougars. Women may feel an urge to attack wide-eyed Tiger Cubs. You may feel compelled to send a letter to The New York Times, one that kindly urges Mr. David Brooks to update his inset photo.
Wild fits of regurgitation may occur if exposed to Linguistics 401: Introduction to Syntax. You may find yourself resonating with Nick Flynn’s 2004 memoir , “Another Bullshit Night In
Reported cases are rare, but pill(s) may cause a rapid drop in IQ, turning your mind into the rough equivalent of Miss South Carolina’s on four or five shots of NyQuil. The possibility of feeling sympathy for Troy Duffy or Pete Rose is increased. You may experience nightmares involving Margaret Cho and Paula Poundstone.
You may start to believe that you truly comprehend the conclusion of “Donnie Darko.” You may feel a strong desire to fly a zeppelin, but only while sporting a pair of goggles worn by Moses Malone during the 1983-84 NBA season. You may get attached to uber-geek culture, which often results in (not ironically) blasting Weezer’s Pinkerton while reading Wil Wheaton’s blog.
If you no longer know your name, contact a doctor immediately, and discontinue college-level consumption of alcohol (unless you’ve recently been dumped by your significant other for your roommate.)
Avoid all salad dressing, marinara sauce and microwave popcorn if not endorsed by the late Paul Newman. Groin pain is common; grabbing one’s crotch a la Michael Jackson circa Home Alone 2 (or a Devil Rays centerfielder in mid-July) is to be expected.
Avoid eating Wings Over Amherst, Bueno Y Sano, Pho Noodle and Antonio’s. Under no circumstances should you eat at Baku’s African Restaurant. You may feel the need to enter a “chill drum circle” somewhere between Orchard Hill and Central, introducing a new, mellow tune entitled “Talkin’ Like Spicoli & Smellin’ Like Patchouli.”
You may see the virgin Mary floating in a bottle of Smirnoff. Do not operate heavy machinery. Swiffers and Braun electric toothbrushes may prove to be heavy machinery.
If you find yourself experiencing any of the aforementioned side effects simultaneously, be sure to quadruple the dosage.
You should not take Collegix for more than four years.
Prolonged use of Collegix may cause you to feel like your life is going to end, and while this thought isn’t likely to be beneficial at the time, it’s still quite truthful.
So, really, what’s the risk? Life’s full of side effects.
Ask your primary care physician (or University Health Services nurse) if Collegix is right for you.
Michael Cartwright is a Collegian columnist. He can be reached at mcartwri@student.umass.edu.
