2008 Woodie Awards
Rage of the road: keep the fast lane fast
Ben Rudnick, Collegian Columnist
Issue date: 12/2/08 Section: Editorial / Opinion
Raise your hand if you drove either to or from the Boston area for Thanksgiving weekend (or both).
Now slowly lower your hand and try not to feel too silly about the fact that you raised your hand because some newspaper columnist told you to.
I was debating what controversial topic to cover this week, but then I went through the torture of the Mass. Pike - twice - and I decided it would be much more fun to rag on how people drive than spend column inches analyzing tax structures, exploring economic bailout plans or presenting my plan for UMass to hire locally grown mimes to give directions on campus instead of spending $500,000 on new signs.
After a long debate, I couldn't get myself to change my mind. Besides, if you can't make fun of the way New Yorkists and Conneticuttians drive, then what good is it to have your own column?
Quick quiz: What do you do when you are in the passing lane and someone drives up behind you and blinks their lights at you?
Do you: A) Move to the right to let them pass at the first opportunity; B) Keep going the same speed while thinking what jerks Bay Staters are; C) Slow down so that they can get a better look at your neato collection of bumper stickers; or D) Do option "B" for 30 minutes and THEN do option "C" for another hour.
If you chose anything but "A" you deserve to have the flesh repeatedly flayed from your bones for all eternity on the lowest level of Hades - or be forced to watch your UMail inbox fill up with messages from UMass spokesman Ed Blaguszewski until it precludes you from getting important announcements from your department coordinator or to have to actually pronounce the name "Blaguszewski," whichever is the most torturous. (My apologies Ed, but the truth had to come out.)
Admit it. It's you. Yes, you - the one reading this newspaper in The Hatch, Blue Wall, library, Learning Commons, Berkshire, Franklin, Worcester or Hampshire dining commons and who drives the Hyundai, Kia, Toyota, Ford, Subaru, Chrysler, Honda, Lamborghini, sport utility vehicle, wagon or scooter.
Now slowly lower your hand and try not to feel too silly about the fact that you raised your hand because some newspaper columnist told you to.
I was debating what controversial topic to cover this week, but then I went through the torture of the Mass. Pike - twice - and I decided it would be much more fun to rag on how people drive than spend column inches analyzing tax structures, exploring economic bailout plans or presenting my plan for UMass to hire locally grown mimes to give directions on campus instead of spending $500,000 on new signs.
After a long debate, I couldn't get myself to change my mind. Besides, if you can't make fun of the way New Yorkists and Conneticuttians drive, then what good is it to have your own column?
Quick quiz: What do you do when you are in the passing lane and someone drives up behind you and blinks their lights at you?
Do you: A) Move to the right to let them pass at the first opportunity; B) Keep going the same speed while thinking what jerks Bay Staters are; C) Slow down so that they can get a better look at your neato collection of bumper stickers; or D) Do option "B" for 30 minutes and THEN do option "C" for another hour.
If you chose anything but "A" you deserve to have the flesh repeatedly flayed from your bones for all eternity on the lowest level of Hades - or be forced to watch your UMail inbox fill up with messages from UMass spokesman Ed Blaguszewski until it precludes you from getting important announcements from your department coordinator or to have to actually pronounce the name "Blaguszewski," whichever is the most torturous. (My apologies Ed, but the truth had to come out.)
Admit it. It's you. Yes, you - the one reading this newspaper in The Hatch, Blue Wall, library, Learning Commons, Berkshire, Franklin, Worcester or Hampshire dining commons and who drives the Hyundai, Kia, Toyota, Ford, Subaru, Chrysler, Honda, Lamborghini, sport utility vehicle, wagon or scooter.
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