2008 Woodie Awards
Not your father's senior column
Dan Nicastro, Collegian columnist
Issue date: 5/12/08 Section: Editorial / Opinion
It's a bit surreal to know that this is the final column I will ever write for the Daily Collegian (and quite possibly the final column I will ever write). As I prepare to transition from the warm light of college's relatively-easy life into the cruel, cold reality of the world, I've found myself sifting through the memories of my college career to try and sort out the blur of the last four years. Unfortunately, this just made me depressed and further reminded me that I still don't have a real job. Therefore, I'm not going to use my remaining 750 words to talk about my last four years of college. Instead, I want to look forward and try and imagine what things will look like ten years from now.
The month of May 2018 will mark a political transition. After eight years of presidential antics by the cyborg Baracilly Clinbama (created by DNC Chairman Howard Dean in July of 2008 to create the ultimate super delegate to finish the presidential primary once and for all), the Republicans will once again have a chance to seize the White House. Trying to capitalize on the long American tradition of nepotism, Jenna Bush will be hard at work, preparing for the November election as the Republican nominee for president. Unfortunately, her candidacy will be rife with problems as her father will be so bored that he will continually show up to campaign events solely to tell morbidly embarrassing stories about his daughter.
More locally, UMass will continue to update the 155-year-old campus by demolishing every building erected since 1985. In order to pacify displaced students and annoyed faculty, the University will label these building initiatives "Even Newer Dirt." The "New Dirt" used to construct these doomed buildings originally will not be discarded, but will instead be used to fill a small portion of the millions of potholes around campus. Despite the cost of construction, UMass will stick to its promise to increase tuition under the rate of inflation. This, of course, will be a pretty easy promise to keep when the rate of inflation reaches 17 percent in 2018 (down from 25 percent in 2012). Because of the commitment to keeping tuition under the rate of inflation, the University will need to make up for lost revenue by increasing fees across the board. Student health insurance will double, room charges will skyrocket and a meal plan will become a luxury to be enjoyed by only the wealthiest of students. Luckily, not all fees will be particularly taxing, as student support for MASSPIRG will still only cost $11 (a fee that will still be waive-able).
The month of May 2018 will mark a political transition. After eight years of presidential antics by the cyborg Baracilly Clinbama (created by DNC Chairman Howard Dean in July of 2008 to create the ultimate super delegate to finish the presidential primary once and for all), the Republicans will once again have a chance to seize the White House. Trying to capitalize on the long American tradition of nepotism, Jenna Bush will be hard at work, preparing for the November election as the Republican nominee for president. Unfortunately, her candidacy will be rife with problems as her father will be so bored that he will continually show up to campaign events solely to tell morbidly embarrassing stories about his daughter.
More locally, UMass will continue to update the 155-year-old campus by demolishing every building erected since 1985. In order to pacify displaced students and annoyed faculty, the University will label these building initiatives "Even Newer Dirt." The "New Dirt" used to construct these doomed buildings originally will not be discarded, but will instead be used to fill a small portion of the millions of potholes around campus. Despite the cost of construction, UMass will stick to its promise to increase tuition under the rate of inflation. This, of course, will be a pretty easy promise to keep when the rate of inflation reaches 17 percent in 2018 (down from 25 percent in 2012). Because of the commitment to keeping tuition under the rate of inflation, the University will need to make up for lost revenue by increasing fees across the board. Student health insurance will double, room charges will skyrocket and a meal plan will become a luxury to be enjoyed by only the wealthiest of students. Luckily, not all fees will be particularly taxing, as student support for MASSPIRG will still only cost $11 (a fee that will still be waive-able).
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